The Power of Repair in Parenting: Building Trust and Connection After Conflict

Parenting is full of challenging moments when patience runs thin and mistakes happen. What truly shapes a child’s emotional well-being is not the absence of conflict but how parents respond afterward. Clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy highlights in her TED Talk that the most important parenting strategy is learning how to repair relationships after moments of disconnection. This approach builds trust, fosters connection, and teaches children valuable life skills.

A mother repairing connection with her child after a disagreement

What Repair Means in Parenting

Repair goes beyond simply saying sorry. It involves intentionally revisiting a moment when the parent and child felt disconnected, taking responsibility for one’s actions, and acknowledging the impact on the child. This process opens a space for honest conversation and emotional reconnection.

For example, if a parent loses their temper and yells, repair means coming back to the child later and saying something like, “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier. That wasn’t fair to you, and I want to do better next time.” This shows the child that mistakes happen but can be addressed with care and respect.

Why Repair Matters More Than Perfection

No parent is perfect. Everyone loses patience or makes errors. What matters is what happens after those moments. Repair prevents children from internalizing blame or feeling unsafe. Instead, it creates an environment where children feel valued and understood.

When parents repair, children learn that relationships can withstand conflict and that emotions can be managed constructively. This builds a foundation of safety and trust that supports healthy development.

How to Practice Good Repair

Becky Kennedy outlines key steps to effective repair:

• Start with yourself: Separate your identity from your behavior. Making a mistake does not make you a bad parent.

• Name what happened: Clearly describe the moment of disconnection without blaming the child.

• Take responsibility: Own your part in the conflict honestly.

• Express how you will do better: Share your commitment to change and growth.

  
  

For instance, a parent might say, “I got frustrated when you didn’t listen, and I raised my voice. I want to find better ways to communicate with you.”

The Long-Term Benefits of Repair

Children who experience repair learn important emotional skills such as regulating feelings and taking responsibility for their actions. These skills are essential for adulthood and healthy relationships.

Repair also strengthens the parent-child bond over time. Even with older children or strained relationships, it is never too late to reconnect through repair. This approach encourages ongoing growth and healing.

Practical Tips for Parents

• Pause and reflect after a conflict before trying to repair.

• Use calm, clear language to avoid escalating emotions.

• Encourage your child to share their feelings during repair.

• Model vulnerability by admitting your mistakes openly.

• Make repair a regular habit to normalize accountability and connection.

  
  

Final Thoughts

Parenting is not about being perfect but about building strong, trusting relationships through connection and accountability. Repairing after conflict transforms how parents and children relate, creating a safe space for growth and understanding. Embracing repair helps families move forward with greater empathy and resilience.